one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
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It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
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Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
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