I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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