Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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