you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
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