I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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