I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
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