you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
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I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
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Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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