I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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