I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
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Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
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There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
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