saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
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Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
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Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
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