It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
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Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
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Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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