i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
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i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
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When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
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