my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Randomize