I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
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