What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
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