don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
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I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
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The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
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