So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
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i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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