Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
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When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
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This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
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