I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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