I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
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stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
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Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
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