I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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