remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
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He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
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I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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