hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
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What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
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