She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
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