My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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