Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
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You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
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Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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