Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
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