ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I think I sprained my soul last night
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
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