Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
i drank out of a bidet.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize