where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
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He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
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Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
And then he peed in my hair
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