I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
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I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
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If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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