how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
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how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
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AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize