Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
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would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
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Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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