We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
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After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
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