I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
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He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
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you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
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