So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
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Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
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It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
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