True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
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So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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