True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
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