Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
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You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
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I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
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