I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
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