I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
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our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
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She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
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