apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
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I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
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Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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