i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
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You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
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