Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize