I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
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I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
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I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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