If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
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Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Blood and glitter go together right?
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
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I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
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