Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
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