If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
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successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
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I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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