the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
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