I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
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I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
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I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
He's a Shit stain on my heart
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
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